Wandering mind...

Have you ever faced that moment...you know the one...where you realize that you are no longer needed by those around you...

No matter what you do or say...it just never quite is enough...

Maybe I read into things, that which is truly not there...maybe I have hope in humanity...that my faith will not...is not faltering...

But I cannot say that...I am at that breaking point between caring and not...hoping and completely giving up...having faith or abandoning everything...

I try to put positive vibes out...hoping that karma will one day swing back to me...I feel crazy...I question how much bad juju I have put out in the past...wondering if all that is present is due in part to the past...

I honestly don't know...honestly want to give up and throw in the towel... I find my self questioning everything as I try to understand where I am at...

I need her to find her own place...this has gone on far too long...

I am at that point...a breaking point, about to be overcome by the waves of life...unable to catch a solid foothold ...unable, it seems, to draw breath...

So tired...so alone...so...

Thoughts

So I'm watching Perks of being a Wallflower, and really seeing my life right now kind of being played out in Charlie.

Charlie, the kid who has been shattered by circumstances in his past. He sits in the background, not thinking that anyone ever noticed him.

Falls for a beautiful girl, who also hides so many wounds from the past with her wonderful smile. 

We accept the love that we think we deserve...I've never felt like this...never been so at peace in my life...

Love represents so many things to different people...but what happens when the word itself brings such memories of pain and distress...and how do you help the one you love overcome that...

Sigh...heart so full, nerves twisted with the unknown...

Poem by my alter ego...

It all started out, the simplest of things
The connection we made
My heart growing wings

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

My heart had been shattered, my soul rent apart
You showed me how to mend the hurt
You healed my soul with the touch of your smile

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

We grew oh so close, the feelings grew strong
But the hurts from the past, came rushing to a front
And fear grabbed ahold, of our freshly torn hearts

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

We’ve stepped back a little, to give us both time
To build on the foundation, the connection we made
Building on the our feelings for one another
Growing stronger every day

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
But the joy that I feel at the mention of your name
Gives me hope, and dries all the tears
And swiftly beats back the woeful dread fears

I would never change
Having you in my life
You have given me hope
And driven out all strife…

- Apistotookii

Journey

I'm on a journey to clear my mind,

To free my soul

Of broken perception and misread clues

I am not as confident, as I once was

Before age and strife took it's toll

I daily live with shattered heart

Wishing that it once again would be full

I see your face, I hear your words

My feelings deepen, they grow

But wounded heart, again closed off

Allows me not back in

You friend and partner I'll forever be

Wishing deep within my soul

That you will see the man I am

With loving, caring, and faithful heart

So much more, I wish I could be

Your strength, your love, your supper

Too many years

I watched in pain

As life upon me 

Took its toll

I want nothing more 

Then to walk hand in hand 

Throughout our remainder of days

I do not know how to compete 

Against the hurt that he has caused

And fear above anything else 

That I will be judged against him

I am a sad and broken man

Desperately wanting to be whole

And with the strong connection we made

I believed it to be so

And once again I sit

Confused and dazed

Wondering where I stand

Hmm...

I'm curious...why do you continue to view me as a man that I am not...I have made mistakes in the past, and I take complete accountability for them...so please let me help you see who I am not....

I am sensitive

I am compassionate 

I am trustworthy

I love deeply and care even more

To the point that I feel myself insane

I am broken, shattered even

I am humble, I am below the dirt

But you have never seen those things 

I don't think that they ever really mattered

I'm not the man you think me to be...

I am do much more, much better than 

You will ever choose to know...

introspection...

Have you ever had that moment in time, where you realize that doing the right thing for people makes you their scapegoat at times?

I had the opportunity this last week to stay with my kids as their mom was taking care of herself mentally. love spending time with them! and I think that we had a really good time together, even under the circumstances...

so here are my concerns today...

I have a little one who feels like she is responsible for her mom's issues. she does not feel safe at their house...

the first words spoken after mom checked out of the hospital..."man, i really missed my phone"...and..."i am going over to a friend’s house once we get home." we got her home, and she went directly to her bedroom, closing the door, and went straight to her many electronic devices...little interaction with the kids...all with her online people

in the last 3 months, i have paid enough child support for 5 months...but none of the bills are being paid...laundry is not being done...kids are going to school unkempt and with un-clean clothes day after day...

these are my concerns...not complaints

Anything that befalls me, i draw up to Karma...but what i fail to understand is how i can be nothing but cordial, going above and beyond for someone and be stabbed in the back over and over by the same person...

treatment to my face is happy, thankful...and i do not expect anything in return...i am beyond what we had

but the portrait that is painted to her friends is that of an abusive ass...uncaring...mean spirited...

at what point do we step up and take personal responsibilities for our own actions?

Here is what i know i am responsible for:
1- dealing with frustration incorrectly, causing me to lose my temper throughout the years 3 or 4 times


Here is what i am not responsible for, and do not have control of:

1- getting married because you were pregnant and scared, even though you didn't love the man
2- caring more about the man that you were having an affair with more than your husband at the end, even though he did not care about you
4- locking yourself behind closed doors instead of spending quality time with your family
5- spending more money on wine, clothing for yourself, and toys for yourself than on food and shelter for the kids
6- misrepresenting what your former spouse really is

for myself, i have let this crap go and no longer have feelings about it; however, i am dad...and this crap affects my kids everyday...i will say this one last time...I loved you and wanted to be with you every single day that we were together. You pushed me away from yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally from the time before we were married. I did get frustrated because i did not understand why, and i did hurt you a couple of times, and went too far one time, for which i am very sorry. i am not a monster...nor have i ever been. i love our kids and would do anything for them. i do not deserve the lies and treatment...i did not force you to make the choices you have, they are not my doing...you chose them.

i will never understand you, even though i thought that i did...but i will gently warn you that those people who are most important to us know the truth, can see it, and eventually the lies will come back...it's karma...it comes around to all of us...

I can't say that I do not care...and I refuse to play the in fine card anymore...

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much of the right things that I do,

It will never truly be enough for some people

Maybe I am not meant to have a companion

Maybe I never will be again,

I just want someone to recognize that I am a good man, a good dad, without viewing my as a tyrant or uncaring, cold, abusive...which of the three, I truly am none...