so i am sitting her today thinking about the states of things in general...where i am, what i feel, why i feel that way
and then i look at her and see how cold her heart seems to be...as if she had never truly cared about us, about me, about anything...
why do you have to hide that which is in your heart...hiding behind the guise of "privacy"...
you are moving on and it seems so easy for you...
in your moments alone, do you think of us, of me? do you ponder about what we seem to be throwing away
the lesson i learn...
what you think and feel about yourself is essential to your own self esteem...but when you build that self esteem at the cost of those around you, ultimately you will lose...
you hide behind secrets, veiled lies, one day they will be revealed...and the cost of your self feelings will be too heavy, even for you...
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
End of the day...
So for the last three weeks, i have been processing what will soon become the end of my marriage. I felt a lot of anguish, shed a lot of tears, and still have moments where i question what happened...
But here is what i learned today, that kind of put things in perspective for me...
I am a very insecure man, unsure about who i am, and what i am capable of. Because i am insecure, i have the tendency to become very impatient with myself and those around me. I do not blame them for this, but take full ownership of my issue.
Over the last 19 years, there have been three very specific incidents where i overreacted and hurt my dear wife. One of those times has severely impacted her even to this day. I will not pretend that i am not at fault for those three issues, and i feel eternal angst that i let myself get out of control.
So here is what i learned...
My actions have had a greater negative impact on her than i ever truly understood. I was selfish in my motives and frustrations. Instead of reaching out to her and try and understand how i had truly crushed her, i would cyclonically get unhappy, frustrated, and angry.
I have gotten better at controlling myself over the last 2 years (not saying that i do not have lapses or that i am perfect)...and i realize that there are many more things that i absolutely must change about myself and my character...
But with that said, i will never be able to change the past, nor can i expect her to wait. I messed up; she should not have to pay for that any longer. While i do still care about her, the best thing possible for her is to get away from me...
I hope that our kids never lose the knowledge that we both love them very much. That even though i will not be able to see them every night, that i am always only a phone call away and will always, ALWAYS is there for them...
The next step in the journey begins...
But here is what i learned today, that kind of put things in perspective for me...
I am a very insecure man, unsure about who i am, and what i am capable of. Because i am insecure, i have the tendency to become very impatient with myself and those around me. I do not blame them for this, but take full ownership of my issue.
Over the last 19 years, there have been three very specific incidents where i overreacted and hurt my dear wife. One of those times has severely impacted her even to this day. I will not pretend that i am not at fault for those three issues, and i feel eternal angst that i let myself get out of control.
So here is what i learned...
My actions have had a greater negative impact on her than i ever truly understood. I was selfish in my motives and frustrations. Instead of reaching out to her and try and understand how i had truly crushed her, i would cyclonically get unhappy, frustrated, and angry.
I have gotten better at controlling myself over the last 2 years (not saying that i do not have lapses or that i am perfect)...and i realize that there are many more things that i absolutely must change about myself and my character...
But with that said, i will never be able to change the past, nor can i expect her to wait. I messed up; she should not have to pay for that any longer. While i do still care about her, the best thing possible for her is to get away from me...
I hope that our kids never lose the knowledge that we both love them very much. That even though i will not be able to see them every night, that i am always only a phone call away and will always, ALWAYS is there for them...
The next step in the journey begins...
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