So for the last three weeks, i have been processing what will soon become the end of my marriage. I felt a lot of anguish, shed a lot of tears, and still have moments where i question what happened...
But here is what i learned today, that kind of put things in perspective for me...
I am a very insecure man, unsure about who i am, and what i am capable of. Because i am insecure, i have the tendency to become very impatient with myself and those around me. I do not blame them for this, but take full ownership of my issue.
Over the last 19 years, there have been three very specific incidents where i overreacted and hurt my dear wife. One of those times has severely impacted her even to this day. I will not pretend that i am not at fault for those three issues, and i feel eternal angst that i let myself get out of control.
So here is what i learned...
My actions have had a greater negative impact on her than i ever truly understood. I was selfish in my motives and frustrations. Instead of reaching out to her and try and understand how i had truly crushed her, i would cyclonically get unhappy, frustrated, and angry.
I have gotten better at controlling myself over the last 2 years (not saying that i do not have lapses or that i am perfect)...and i realize that there are many more things that i absolutely must change about myself and my character...
But with that said, i will never be able to change the past, nor can i expect her to wait. I messed up; she should not have to pay for that any longer. While i do still care about her, the best thing possible for her is to get away from me...
I hope that our kids never lose the knowledge that we both love them very much. That even though i will not be able to see them every night, that i am always only a phone call away and will always, ALWAYS is there for them...
The next step in the journey begins...
No comments:
Post a Comment