Summing it all up...

It amazes me how the lyrics of a song can truly express ones feelings...

not new feelings, but feelings that have been there for many years...

"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

deep understanding of the sorrow and emptiness that fills both my heart and soul today...

and you don't even care...

Hollow man

have you ever had one of those days, where you felt completely hollow inside?
like the most important parts of you have been ripped away, leaving nothing but a deep dark hole...

so many days i feel good, moving on...
and then you show up, in my dreams...

sweet dreams turn to nightmare, as i awaken...
soul torn into tiny pieces...

looking forward, nothing but darkness...
looking back, more of the same...

anchor of sanity, so strong
if it were not so, i would have slipped away...

how can one be strong, when they feel nothing but pain?
how can one move on, when they are empty...
there best parts shred and torn...
understanding that what was thought so special, was only so on one side of the river...

spiraling deeper, unwilling to replace...
but how could one ever truly replace that thing that completely filled ones heart
with joy, hope, solitude...

gone forever...
no hope...
no joy...
no peace...

???

So i am sitting her, having "one of those days". Can’t seem to see the sun for the clouds, or even that allusive silver lining...
Several things plague my mind...

I am not your girlfriend, or even best friend...i shouldn't be the one giving you advice about your social life...i o it, because of who i truly am (not who you think you see), because i care tremendously...and while i do it, i allow it to cut to my very core, but you cannot see it

i reached out to you, when you were almost homeless...i gave you a place to stay, a ride when you needed it...an open ear...you took advantage of me, threw mutual respect right out the window...played it off as if it was nothing, showed how much i really didn't matter...

i have done nothing to you...but you continually throw out your barbs about how terrible i am...you do not know my heart...you do not understand that it was two that caused the situation equally...you only see my mistakes, judging harshly those things that you do not understand...you do not know my heart, how it is broken and has been for many, many years...i love you more than you will ever know, more than i will ever show...

Littles, you see my heart, i share my love with you openly and honestly...hang in there, things will get better...one day, they will be better again...