DeMolay Leadership Camp

Our grand adventure started this morning at4:00 as Conner, Caleb Campbell,Mom Campbell, and myself loaded up into the van to start off on our trek...

While I could take hours describing the trip...I will surmise it as...we graceless op to almost Seattle, ate breakfast at a really cool diner, discovered a shortcut that saved us an hour on our way home, and I walked in the front door a.few minutes ago...

Off to glean the kitchen, and then to bed...

How do i love you...

In 1846, Elizabeth Barrett met, and later fell in love with Robert Browning. In her 43rd love sonnet, she penned the many ways that she loved her husband...

Now, me being a man, I do not always understand how to show love in a meaningful way, or even how to express it without sounding, well, like a man.

So as I am beginning this journey of change and reflection, I ask my self...what was about her that smote you with love? What about her makes your heart skip a beat when you see her and she walks into the room?

Some things have been entirely open and I easily understood them, while others I misinterpreted to be one thing when in reality they were the opposite.

So why do I love you?

I love that you have such a tender heart

I love the way you care for each and every one of our children. Each of them, in your eyes is special and distinct individuals. And you have such a special connection with each of them.

I love that you are so fierce! Now some may say...that's a little strange, so I will explain it thusly, you stand for what is right, you fight tooth and nail for it

I love that you carefully research things out before you form your own opinions

I love how your eyes brighten and you smile so beautifully when you are complimented

I love to listen to your voice as you tell about your day and talk, with pride, about the kids

I love our beginning, how we ended up dancing together through the last half of our first dance. How we could sit and talk for hours with each other, without really saying anything

I love the sound of your laughter as you interact with our kids. The pure joy in the sound is like music to a weary heart

I love you for calling me out on my crap...and I never saw this for what it was until recently. What I have often taken as an attack was only meant in love. I am sorry for misinterpreting you, can you please forgive me?

I love you for forcing a break...I am sorry for my unloving and inconsiderate actions. I was completely wrong, and have gained a new perspective on how I have made you feel. I think that I truly understand why you feel the way you do, and I am so sorry, can you please forgive me?

I love the care you take for our household, our children, your friends, and your school work

I love you...for who you have always been, for who you have been trying to help me become, and for who you want our kids to become

There are a million more reasons, which drive my heart everyday..., and rarely a moment goes by without you close to my thoughts and heart.

I think for the first time in 18 years I really understand your thoughts and intentions, and I thank you for simply being you and working to connect with me over the years.

I Love you.

Change in the winds

Wow...what an interesting day it has been. For the first time in a long time, I woke up and felt truly afraid to face the world. Kind of had that gut feeling that it was not going to be a good day at all. Got up, got ready for work, and while I am generally able to keep my outside life, well outside, I found myself having a very hard time keeping my emotions in check...but hey, life happens. A friend of mine, who I have worked with for several years, saw a post that I made on my Facebook page this morning stating: "No one is without fear. The power lies in being able to overcome your fear. To look past it and try to see the whole picture. Without risk what is there in life... My question is this...what if you are not sure you are strong enough to face your fears? I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that this is not going to be a good day..." Concerned, she asked me a little about what was going on...and something clicked. She had walked through similar paths with her husband and their relationship (they have been together for a long time, and he too is a really good guy that I know). She recommended that I go out and get a book that she and her husband had read apart and applied together. Now, to be honest, I am not a big fan of reading 'help' books, but that being said, she called her husband and asked him to bring the book down. "Love and Respect: The love she most desires\The respect he desperately needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs... So, against my nature, I started to read it during my lunch break...and after reading the first chapter...I was like...YES, this is exactly how I feel, and this is exactly the cycle that I fall into at home. At the same time I realized how thoughtless I have been at times not showing my beautiful wife the undying and endless love that I feel for her, for which I am so very sorry. One chapter down and I am so looking forward to reading the rest. Now, I will say, the book does use a lot of Biblical references, but putting that aside (for myself), the message is completely clear to me... This is definitely an endeavor that I will see through!

Lost

i feel utterly and completely lost... and i am not sure how to feel about it. Two months ago, my relationship started to tear apart. now i would be remiss if i said that i had no small part in it...fact is, i did... the love of my life told me that she did not want to be with me anymore, after 18 years. and yesterda, she told me to leave for a few days... it has been less than 24 hours, and i miss my littles so very much! at the same time am concerned about where i went so wrong with my relationship and with my oldest kids. I work hard to provide for them...and enjoy every minute that i spend with them...i like to unwind and be able to shut off from time to time... Why can't she see that i am only human and quite imperfect? why does she not understand that both of us lost site of ...well us... i am at once ultimately humbled, deeply saddened, and above all else feel lost in the world... i am grateful for my cousin who is letting me stay for a while...for a work place that actually has showers and other facilities... i need to see the smiling face of my beautiful little girls...and a great big hug from my "daddy miny"... I have no clue what the plan is, but i will move forward...they say that no obstacle is presented to you that you cannot overcome...i am not sure about this one...