One year...

It's been one year...one year since what I thought was my dream was completely shattered...

I still am struggling to move on...even wanting to

I try to put on a good front, but it is a complete façade...i false wall meant to fool everyone around...

I just don't care anymore...about anything or anyone ... At all 

I honestly want to disappear from the world...l see no end in sight...

Sigh...and yet, I shall tread on into the night as If I am fine...not letting anyone see the truth...

So many words, but just don't care to use them anymore

crossroads...

So, it’s been a while since I’ve taken the opportunity to write down my thoughts...and i find myself today at a crossroads...

The person, who I consider to be my best friend in the world, informed me that she is going completely off the grid...that she has lost herself and that she will be difficult to reach...my heart is broken by this...

i want to be in a relationship with someone...but i don't like the games that come along with the whole meeting process...i just want to be me...nothing more, nothing less...but, when you are the 'nice guy', you are the eternal friend zone buddy...

Torn...heart rent in twain...struggling to find that which i truly control, realizing that it isn't a very big list...

In one word...i feel utterly and hopelessly...LOST...

Heart strings

Please explain to me, how it is that my heart falls for those that I can never be with

One has been close to my heart for a long time...misjudged because of the men she had been with...realizing now that I am who I said I was

The other...I've been attracted to her since I first moved in...getting closer as friends as time has passed

And then, there is GA... We've grown close, but her passive aggressiveness has turned me sour

Will I ever find true happiness? Everyday, I sink further and further into my hole

No longer seeing light at the tunnel's end...but realizing that I just don't care to look anymore

At the point of wanting to give up...no longer caring about anything anymore

No confidence...no hope...just empty inside...giving up on love...happiness...

Giving up on that part of my life...feeling like a complete failure

Why? Is this a test, or karma...either way...it sucks

Everybody deserves to be happy...even just a little bit...so I will sit...pretend to smile to the world...all the while dying a little more inside each day... 

Wandering mind...

Have you ever faced that moment...you know the one...where you realize that you are no longer needed by those around you...

No matter what you do or say...it just never quite is enough...

Maybe I read into things, that which is truly not there...maybe I have hope in humanity...that my faith will not...is not faltering...

But I cannot say that...I am at that breaking point between caring and not...hoping and completely giving up...having faith or abandoning everything...

I try to put positive vibes out...hoping that karma will one day swing back to me...I feel crazy...I question how much bad juju I have put out in the past...wondering if all that is present is due in part to the past...

I honestly don't know...honestly want to give up and throw in the towel... I find my self questioning everything as I try to understand where I am at...

I need her to find her own place...this has gone on far too long...

I am at that point...a breaking point, about to be overcome by the waves of life...unable to catch a solid foothold ...unable, it seems, to draw breath...

So tired...so alone...so...

Thoughts

So I'm watching Perks of being a Wallflower, and really seeing my life right now kind of being played out in Charlie.

Charlie, the kid who has been shattered by circumstances in his past. He sits in the background, not thinking that anyone ever noticed him.

Falls for a beautiful girl, who also hides so many wounds from the past with her wonderful smile. 

We accept the love that we think we deserve...I've never felt like this...never been so at peace in my life...

Love represents so many things to different people...but what happens when the word itself brings such memories of pain and distress...and how do you help the one you love overcome that...

Sigh...heart so full, nerves twisted with the unknown...

Poem by my alter ego...

It all started out, the simplest of things
The connection we made
My heart growing wings

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

My heart had been shattered, my soul rent apart
You showed me how to mend the hurt
You healed my soul with the touch of your smile

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

We grew oh so close, the feelings grew strong
But the hurts from the past, came rushing to a front
And fear grabbed ahold, of our freshly torn hearts

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
And I can do nothing, but sit back and drown
Tired of caring, tired of the tears
Tired of living this life full of fears

We’ve stepped back a little, to give us both time
To build on the foundation, the connection we made
Building on the our feelings for one another
Growing stronger every day

Would have been easier, if I hadn’t gotten involved
But the joy that I feel at the mention of your name
Gives me hope, and dries all the tears
And swiftly beats back the woeful dread fears

I would never change
Having you in my life
You have given me hope
And driven out all strife…

- Apistotookii

Journey

I'm on a journey to clear my mind,

To free my soul

Of broken perception and misread clues

I am not as confident, as I once was

Before age and strife took it's toll

I daily live with shattered heart

Wishing that it once again would be full

I see your face, I hear your words

My feelings deepen, they grow

But wounded heart, again closed off

Allows me not back in

You friend and partner I'll forever be

Wishing deep within my soul

That you will see the man I am

With loving, caring, and faithful heart

So much more, I wish I could be

Your strength, your love, your supper

Too many years

I watched in pain

As life upon me 

Took its toll

I want nothing more 

Then to walk hand in hand 

Throughout our remainder of days

I do not know how to compete 

Against the hurt that he has caused

And fear above anything else 

That I will be judged against him

I am a sad and broken man

Desperately wanting to be whole

And with the strong connection we made

I believed it to be so

And once again I sit

Confused and dazed

Wondering where I stand

Hmm...

I'm curious...why do you continue to view me as a man that I am not...I have made mistakes in the past, and I take complete accountability for them...so please let me help you see who I am not....

I am sensitive

I am compassionate 

I am trustworthy

I love deeply and care even more

To the point that I feel myself insane

I am broken, shattered even

I am humble, I am below the dirt

But you have never seen those things 

I don't think that they ever really mattered

I'm not the man you think me to be...

I am do much more, much better than 

You will ever choose to know...

introspection...

Have you ever had that moment in time, where you realize that doing the right thing for people makes you their scapegoat at times?

I had the opportunity this last week to stay with my kids as their mom was taking care of herself mentally. love spending time with them! and I think that we had a really good time together, even under the circumstances...

so here are my concerns today...

I have a little one who feels like she is responsible for her mom's issues. she does not feel safe at their house...

the first words spoken after mom checked out of the hospital..."man, i really missed my phone"...and..."i am going over to a friend’s house once we get home." we got her home, and she went directly to her bedroom, closing the door, and went straight to her many electronic devices...little interaction with the kids...all with her online people

in the last 3 months, i have paid enough child support for 5 months...but none of the bills are being paid...laundry is not being done...kids are going to school unkempt and with un-clean clothes day after day...

these are my concerns...not complaints

Anything that befalls me, i draw up to Karma...but what i fail to understand is how i can be nothing but cordial, going above and beyond for someone and be stabbed in the back over and over by the same person...

treatment to my face is happy, thankful...and i do not expect anything in return...i am beyond what we had

but the portrait that is painted to her friends is that of an abusive ass...uncaring...mean spirited...

at what point do we step up and take personal responsibilities for our own actions?

Here is what i know i am responsible for:
1- dealing with frustration incorrectly, causing me to lose my temper throughout the years 3 or 4 times


Here is what i am not responsible for, and do not have control of:

1- getting married because you were pregnant and scared, even though you didn't love the man
2- caring more about the man that you were having an affair with more than your husband at the end, even though he did not care about you
4- locking yourself behind closed doors instead of spending quality time with your family
5- spending more money on wine, clothing for yourself, and toys for yourself than on food and shelter for the kids
6- misrepresenting what your former spouse really is

for myself, i have let this crap go and no longer have feelings about it; however, i am dad...and this crap affects my kids everyday...i will say this one last time...I loved you and wanted to be with you every single day that we were together. You pushed me away from yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally from the time before we were married. I did get frustrated because i did not understand why, and i did hurt you a couple of times, and went too far one time, for which i am very sorry. i am not a monster...nor have i ever been. i love our kids and would do anything for them. i do not deserve the lies and treatment...i did not force you to make the choices you have, they are not my doing...you chose them.

i will never understand you, even though i thought that i did...but i will gently warn you that those people who are most important to us know the truth, can see it, and eventually the lies will come back...it's karma...it comes around to all of us...

I can't say that I do not care...and I refuse to play the in fine card anymore...

No matter how hard I try, no matter how much of the right things that I do,

It will never truly be enough for some people

Maybe I am not meant to have a companion

Maybe I never will be again,

I just want someone to recognize that I am a good man, a good dad, without viewing my as a tyrant or uncaring, cold, abusive...which of the three, I truly am none...

What am I...

So the question I pose this evening is what am I to you?

For one...I am not your confidant, your shoulder to cry on...you had that opportunity for so many years and threw it away to fill some hole that you perceived in yourself...never returning love, but always wanting the attention...

For the other...what am I to you? Have I in some manner offended you? I feel as though I am a bother to you, a millstone around your neck...and yes, I know that you go in cycles, but this unknowing is painful...

So who are you to me?

The first, you are my past...not present nor future...we are tied by seven, and that is all...

For the other, you are my sanity, my friend that I trust more than any other...your silence is killing me...I don't understand what i understand...

I looked across the room and once again, for a brief moment beheld your beauty...

So very close, but may as well be a million miles away...

Wishing that we could be so much closer

3/18

Life...

Never what one truly expects...

I am sure that everything happens for a reason..,

I don't know that I will ever understand it...

People go out of your life,

Destroying what you call normal

People come into your life,

Some can fill the voids

Others you want to fill the void, but cannot because of obstacles 

Why do I feel the way I do, knowing what I know 

How can I let that which is not really there  affect me so deeply

Better things have to come my way eventually...right?

And I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, because I am not 

It just seems as though life for me is a never ending challenge compounding into absolute chaos 

???

Why does it happen, that you always meet the unattainable woman...

Not that you couldn't be thick as theives, but that there is an unsurpassable obstacle, which always stands in the way...

So, I pine, I understand my station...

Wishing more than life itself to find that one,

Who not only fills my daytime thoughts, we brings random smiles to my face, but who can also, in some near future time, be my companion throughout life

Day and night, thick and thin, love of each other's lives

One day, that is my hope...

Thinking thought

Do you think of me?

When the wind is calm,

When your mind is free?

Do you think of me?

In the quiet of the morning

Or when life seems to overwhelm?

Do you think of me?

When the sun'a brightest rays light your day

Or the moon hides behind a cloud?

I think of you,

During all these times

And oh so many more

Through waking moments,

Peaceful dreams

And all times in between

I think of you 

And am so very glad 

That I can call you friend 

A new beginning

I am sitting this evening, pondering the events of the day today...and i think that i have really made a new connection with someone...

we are friends, and talk all the time, and while everything is rather...complicated, i would love nothing more than to spend time with her.

she is beautiful, and not just that superficial beauty that some women have, but beauty that stretches to her very core. hmmm...i cannot seem to get her out of my mind, and i sat here at 2:00 in the morning, still thinking about her, pondering when we will see each other again, how she feels...

i honestly don't know where this will end up...i think i know where i would like it too, but time will tell...

for now, we will see what happens day by day,,,

Summing it all up...

It amazes me how the lyrics of a song can truly express ones feelings...

not new feelings, but feelings that have been there for many years...

"Say Something"

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

deep understanding of the sorrow and emptiness that fills both my heart and soul today...

and you don't even care...

Hollow man

have you ever had one of those days, where you felt completely hollow inside?
like the most important parts of you have been ripped away, leaving nothing but a deep dark hole...

so many days i feel good, moving on...
and then you show up, in my dreams...

sweet dreams turn to nightmare, as i awaken...
soul torn into tiny pieces...

looking forward, nothing but darkness...
looking back, more of the same...

anchor of sanity, so strong
if it were not so, i would have slipped away...

how can one be strong, when they feel nothing but pain?
how can one move on, when they are empty...
there best parts shred and torn...
understanding that what was thought so special, was only so on one side of the river...

spiraling deeper, unwilling to replace...
but how could one ever truly replace that thing that completely filled ones heart
with joy, hope, solitude...

gone forever...
no hope...
no joy...
no peace...

???

So i am sitting her, having "one of those days". Can’t seem to see the sun for the clouds, or even that allusive silver lining...
Several things plague my mind...

I am not your girlfriend, or even best friend...i shouldn't be the one giving you advice about your social life...i o it, because of who i truly am (not who you think you see), because i care tremendously...and while i do it, i allow it to cut to my very core, but you cannot see it

i reached out to you, when you were almost homeless...i gave you a place to stay, a ride when you needed it...an open ear...you took advantage of me, threw mutual respect right out the window...played it off as if it was nothing, showed how much i really didn't matter...

i have done nothing to you...but you continually throw out your barbs about how terrible i am...you do not know my heart...you do not understand that it was two that caused the situation equally...you only see my mistakes, judging harshly those things that you do not understand...you do not know my heart, how it is broken and has been for many, many years...i love you more than you will ever know, more than i will ever show...

Littles, you see my heart, i share my love with you openly and honestly...hang in there, things will get better...one day, they will be better again...